F*CK it!
I'm glad I found it.
Tired of over-analysing my responses to people, what I was putting into the world about loss and grief or how I responded to others, it came to me: F*CK it.
Prior to loss and the immense amount of space my memories and love was taking in my brain, I would have taken those second-guessing obsessions seriously.
After multiple deep losses in a short period of time my brain changed.
No shits could be given about what people thought about me.
Dancing with death had created an alternative secret passageway to what really matters.
Maybe you are getting there too.
Signs you've reached the land of F*CK it:
The realisation of how little really matters in the big scheme of things.
LOVE. You get "love is all that matters" more than you ever have in your life.
You quit over-censoring yourself: if you don't get me, sorry. Me and my grief are not for everyone.
There is a moment of bittersweet intensity when you realise it took the death of your love to have the discernment to edit your second-guessing of yourself.
The feelings are what is real-- the words can be confusing. You sometimes choose not to use them and communicate in other ways-- or not at all.
Everyday you feel a wee bit of comfort understanding that you are beginning to make different choices for yourself because you are taking what Death has taught you--The Real--into consideration now.
And most obviously, you are telling yourself f*ck it, in response to doubting yourself or your truth, on a more regular basis.
Give me a wave when you get there-- and put that middle finger down when you do. That's just not polite.
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